mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
