If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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