Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
