they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
