my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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