Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
