I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
