I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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