Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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