my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
