Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
