I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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