I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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