I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
