my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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