Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
