the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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