So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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