so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I can text with my tongue
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Dear god my vagina.
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