It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize