I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
