I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
