peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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