I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
