next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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