Why are handjobs necessary in class?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize