Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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