I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
