i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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