I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
