I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
