If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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