Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
