i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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