there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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