oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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