im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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