I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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