oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
