I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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