im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
