So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We had to coat check the pizza.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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