there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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