Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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