hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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