paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I supernannyed him into submission
I wear drunk well.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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