dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
a search helicopter?!
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
