He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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