Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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