non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
