did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
