new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
