I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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