I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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