I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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