I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
