So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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