I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
