theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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