I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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