fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
